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A boring game for boring people. Whether youre looking for inspirational or funny quotes by George Carlin or whether youre looking for his famous quotes politics and education, its all here. Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. (224), Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. When youre born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin, 48. 39. Just like homeless people. This is the best we can do folks. They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. We think in language. George Denis Patrick Carlin was born and raised in Manhattan, New York City, to Mary (Bearey), a secretary, and Patrick John Carlin, an advertising manager for The Sun; they had met while working in marketing. I think "spokesman" ought to be "spokesperson," I think "chairman" ought to be "chairperson," I think "mankind" ought to be "humankind." You know why? Are these fucking people kidding me? It's as simple as that. I took his shoes. They own, and control the corporations. Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. I see a glass thats twice as big as it needs to be. George Carlin, 44. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? They don't care about the planet in theory. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. Electricity is really just organized lightning. It was stolen!" We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Pretty neat deal, huh? George Carlin I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. Didn't need any help on that ladder. They own you. Remember that? So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. Share your thoughts in the comments below! I'd like to repeat that, because it sounds *vaguely* important! "No." Elected with the help of the moral majority and the Teamsters union. Disgusting that people still make that argument that we can never cut defense but we can cut education. And the people said "You know something? They don't want that. Are these people kidding? If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic. 48. The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. I call it the American Okie Doke. You ever watch golf on television? I started this website because I wanted to help people like you to maximize their potential and achieve their dreams. No kidding. "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." Are people's lives so bankrupt they sit at home looking at things they already DID? Put it in your pocket and go the fuck home, you're a winner! Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. He died in 2008, the week after he had been named the recipient of the Mark Twain Prize . Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. It's all very confusing. Fertilization. And there's no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. There are battered husbands. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! "Do you believe in God?" (. Bomb them! And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. It's a shame everything has to have a label. Don't blame me. On Election Day, I stay home. Everything's been sanitized now and cleaned up. 20. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. These are the same people who were elected with the help of the moral majority. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. The sanctity of life doesn't seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? Nothing sacred about those things. ""If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else. There are no innocent victims. George Carlin's acerbic wit and profound societal insights were a one time cultural phenomenon. With Nina Feldman. And you know something? I hate groups of people but I love individuals. And Bush is pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before. Keep em showing up at those jobs. George Carlin, 81. Any lawyer who refers to the police as the "Federalies." You realize that most of the right-to-lifers are in favor of the DEATH penalty? George Carlin Shitting on GovernmentBuy Me a Pizzahttps://www.buymeacoffee.com/LaughPlGEORGE CARLINhttps://www.youtube.com/user/OfficialGeorgeCarlin/feedGeor. It sounds like this: What, they have bigger dicks? Yeup, sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize the government doesn't give a fuck about them. Actor: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. It simply doesn't give a fuck about you. Name six ways we're better than chickens See, nobody can do it! Now, man"You up for the game?" A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. They own everything. They never mention that part to us, do they? Thats all it is. But once you're born, you're on your own. Maybe something else sucks around here like, the public. In America, anyone can become president. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people, The FCC, the Federal Communications Commission, decided all by itself that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the first amendment to the Constitution. See, the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. I believe the list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. Everyones at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Apparently, were not ready for that! George Carlin, 72. George Carlin has many famous quotes about government, education and the American dream that are often referenced as truth. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're f**ked. Enjoy! Catholic kids are stupid; they don't know how to handle a pedophile priest. From a distance so I can see it all. If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin, 37. I think that speaks for itself. Were gonna save the fuckin planet? That's my motto. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so theyre gonna tell you some things you shouldnt say because theyresins. Where would we be without our safe, familiar, American bullshit? But he does sell drugs to your honor student. But happiness is not something I have, it is something I myself want to be. I wonder why prostitution is illegal. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they're gonna tell you some things you shouldn't say because they're Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. At least he's honest about being, Everybody knows by now, all businessmen are completely full of shit; just the worst kind of low-life, criminal, cocksuckers you could ever wanna' run into a fuckin' piece of shit businessman. Let's get started! You never see a memo that says 9:01. You have owners. George Carlin, 84. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck. George Carlin, 52. And a mindless game, too. And do people really watch this shit? There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Everybody complains about politicians. And the supreme arrogance? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something thats perfectly legal to give away? Theres no present. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. 32. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and the Christians are just tossing them aside. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. 4. Guys would say, "Come back here and fight like a person," And we'd all sing "For it's a jolly good person." Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. That's all it is. They must really be bad; they'd have to be outrageous to be separated from a group that large! You have no choice. Why isn't selling fucking legal? Doesn't this piss you off? Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line, I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? We had great gifts, and we gave it all up for both money and God We gave it all up to superstition, primitive superstition, primitive shit Invisible man in the sky, looking down, keeping track of what we do, make sure we don't do the wrong thing, if we do, he puts us in hell, where we burn forever. And in 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked Carlin second on its list of the 50 Best Stand-Up Comics of All Time, just behind Richard Pryor. Really. How can [God] be perfect? He loves you and He needs money. This is what our system produces, folks. The low end of the speed spectrum, I grant you, but there are coffee freaks. We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. All right, that's enough of that. You know how we got it? 16. 8 George Carlin Quotes On Death That Will Make You Think! If it requires a uniform, its a worthless endeavor. George Carlin, 11. ""Deep Throat: Think about it. Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. Dole tried to hide it, didn't he? That's what I say. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. Say, pardon me? (shoots gun) Im awfully sorry. I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people; a maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership. It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. OK? And generally speaking, people onthe right of center, are interested in property values, property, property rights. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. You could build two Rhode Islands and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless, mindless, arrogant, elitist, racist, theres another thing; the only blacks youll find at country clubs are carrying trays. I've also grown weary of reading about clouds in a book. Thats the only thing keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. George Carlin, 57. Must be another one of those miracles.. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. He was also known for his outspoken views on government and politics. "Land of the Free," "Home of the Brave," "The American Dream," "All men are equal," "Justice is blind," "The Press is free," "Your vote counts," "Business is honest," "The good guys win," "The police are on your side," "God is watching you," "Your standard of living will never decline" and "Everything is going to be just fine:" the official national bullshit story. "(pop, pop) Been up all week, man! Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. Happy was into grass and grass alone Happy, that's all he did. Garbage in, garbage out. How do school teachers handle this? That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. Contents 1 Quotes 1.1 FM & AM (1972) They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. Fucking is legal. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. People think it puts them above the fray. It's true! We havent tried that for a while. . Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. I gave up on this stuff. [] I'm not interested. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure, American bullshit. He was a "political" comic the way George Orwell was a "political" writer. The planet is fine. No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. 23. Carlin, who was known for spewing critical rhetoric against the government, organized religion and big business, first delivered the quote during his 2005 HBO comedy special, Life Is Worth Losing . We dont even know how to take care of ourselves; we havent learned how to care for one another. Political correctness is Americas newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. We are! Well, they don't want you to get an infection! We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. ""You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think. George Carlin, 28. Here are some of our favorite George Carlin quotes on politics. 5. To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesnt need guidance from. George Carlin, 61. Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? We are on a nice downward glide. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're f**ked." "Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? Doesn't anyone in this country stop and LOOK AT THINGS anymore? ""Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think. Let's go for a drive OK? The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. George Carlin, 87. You have no right to complain. The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin, 13. "The planet is fine. No problem. That's the whole purpose of recording; to do it beforehand! not understanding that George Carlin was the type of person to roast one side, and when the other side started cheering he would turn and . I wish I could live 1000 years to watch it happen. Next time you are at the computer, get on the Internet, go to Wikipedia. Yeah, usually they're already there. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles. 12. Carlin's most famous piece from 2005 explained the state of the US and why the US government isn't there for the people's interests. Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! 80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? "Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most, their government sucked 'em away. "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.". Come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation with our friendly professional staff. Religion is nothing but mind control. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. They don't want to hear from you. Its been here over four billion years The planet isnt goin anywhere, folks. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: The public sucks. Every single person, you can see the universe in their eyes if you're really looking. This is what we have to offer. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. For twelve dollars. 15. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! You dont have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy at work. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! They don't trust one another. Its called fucking with people!. The sword of god, the blood of the lamb, 'vengeance is mine'; millions of dead motherfuckers. Several reasons. The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. "Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass". Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. A good motto to live by: Always try not to get killed. And the other two-way word is "prick". So I say live and let live. If your kid needs a role model and you aint it, youre both fucked. George Carlin, 32. Period. Its interested in its own power. If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. The best (and funniest) George Carlin Quotes on politics, life & death and of course the American government They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations that've long since bought and paid for, the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the . When else are you gonna record it, afterwards? Bashful didn't use drugs. Sooner or later, the people in this country are . A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time. And a boring game. In the first place, white people got no business playing the blues ever at all under any circumstances ever, ever, ever! Some people think if you mention some things they might happen. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit. George Carlin, 21. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Its so fuckin heroic. George Carlin, 18. Amen and Awomen. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Is this the noblest thing that women can think of? Anal rape, quicksand, body lice, evil spirits, gridlock, acid rain, continental drift, labor violence, flash floods, rabies, torture, bad luck, calcium deficiency, falling rocks, cattle stampedes, bank failure, evil neighbors, killer bees, organ rejection, lynching, toxic waste, unstable dynamite, religious fanatics, prickly heat, price fixing, moral decay, hotel fires, loss of face, stink bombs, bubonic plague, neo-Nazis, friction, cereal weevils, failure of will, chain reaction, soil erosion, mail fraud, dry rot, voodoo curse, broken glass, snake bite, parasites, white slavery, public ridicule, faithless friends, random violence, breach of contract, family scandals, charlatans, transverse myelitis, structural defects, race riots, sunspots, rogue elephants, wax buildup, killer frost, jealous coworkers, root canals, metal fatigue, corporal punishment, sneak attacks, peer pressure, vigilantes, birth defects, false advertising, ungrateful children, financial ruin, mildew, loss of privileges, bad drugs, ill-fitting shoes, widespread chaos, Lou Gehrig's disease, stray bullets, runaway trains, chemical spills, locusts, airline food, shipwrecks, prowlers, bathtub accidents, faulty merchandise, terrorism, discrimination, wrongful cremation, carbon deposits, beef tapeworm, taxation without representation, escaped maniacs, sunburn, abandonment, threatening letters, entropy, nine-mile fever, poor workmanship, absentee landlords, solitary confinement, depletion of the ozone layer, unworthiness, intestinal bleeding, defrocked priests, loss of equilibrium, disgruntled employees, global warming, card sharks, poisoned meat, nuclear accidents, broken promises, contamination of the water supply, obscene phone calls, nuclear winter, wayward girls, mutual assured destruction, rampaging moose, the greenhouse effect, cluster headaches, social isolation, Dutch elm disease, the contraction of the universe, paper cuts, eternal damnation, the wrath of God, and. You're reading a nice story, and suddenly the writer has to stop and describe the clouds. Help me find some shoes I really like. Let's face it, we have very little to work with. Bullshit is everywhere. And these people with the fires and the floods and everything, they overbuild, they put nature to the test and they get what's coming to them. That would make a "He-man" an "It-person." You know why? George Carlin ", Variations of this piece have also been misattributed to, "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body". The sanctity of life doesnt seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? And you might have noticed something else. Below youll find the best collection of George Carlin quotes. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they, I have certain rules I live by. Americans love to eat. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them. George Carlin, 34. The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centersbut if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Why would he give us a certain. What are your favorite George Carlin quotes? Plus he knocked up your daughter. We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus.. I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. Carlin got famous for his bit about the "words you can't say on television," but his legacy speaks of so much more, wisdom and wit that deserve to live on through the ages. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You don't do all this moron stuff. '""The difference between left and right of centeroriginated in the Frenchparliament. Pointless careerism, putting on a man tailored suit and shoulder pads and imitating all the worst behavior of men? In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! The planet will take care of itself. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. So they killed a lot of white English people, in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out of the rest of the red Indian people, so they move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. It can help you a lot. George Carlin, 8. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. Dont just teach your children to read Teach them to question everything that they read Teach them to question everything. George Carlin, 86. Simple thing. They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. Whether you agree with him or not, Carlins views are definitely worth considering. BULLSHIT! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. George Carlin was one of the most iconic comedians of all time and he had a lot to say about government. Doesn't happen 'cause chickens are decent people. George Carlin Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? What? You know? Updated on May 30, 2018. Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? An airline pilot who has on two different shoes. What did Clinton say? Let me get a sip of water hereyou figure this stuff is safe to drink? They keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that they, the rich, can run off with all the fucking money! On Election Day, I stay home. ", "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. It's called "fucking with people! They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. George Carlin, 70. Some day birth control will come off prescription, and they'll need those cute little catchy names like the patent medicines havesome day birth control pills will have names like, "Preg-Not"! So come on in. Sleepy was into reds. It simply does not give a fuck about you! The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. 3. Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. You know why? They say if you scratch a cynic, you'll find a disappointed idealist. "You give us a color, we'll wipe it out! We can afford to cut defense; we cant afford to cut education. This is what we have to offer. 35. And here as long as were talking about theme restaurants, I got a proposition for you. 6. I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. I, George Carlin, being of sound mind, do not wish, upon my demise, to be buried or cremated. I call it circling the drain And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty Huish! A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images, Seth Meyers White House Correspondents' Dinner Speech, Dan Quayle Funny Quotes and Misstatements, The Funniest Political Quotes of All Time, France Jokes and Funny Quotes About France, Bidenisms: Funniest Joe Biden Quotes and Gaffes, Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. Here's what happened: I give you my revised list of the Two Commandments: "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie", and "thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to". They own everything. Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. Broadly speaking. I dont have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. Everyone smiles in the same language. George Carlin, 35. Otherwise it doesn't really work, does it? Some people don't want you to mention certain things. Nah. People who actually know the second verse to "The Star-Spangled Banner." Disclaimer: As an Amazon Associate We earn from qualifying purchases. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence.

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